Tuesday, July 28, 2009

This Week's Horoscopes for Your Love Life

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Just as too many cooks can spoil the broth, too many lovers coming in and out of your life (double entendre intended) as though you had a revolving bedroom door installed with a flashing neon sign above, reading, “Open 24 hours, everyone welcome!” can ruin your sense of intimacy (not to mention increase your chances of catching STDs). Try to focus your attention on one thing at a time. The objects of your attention will thank you for it in the morning. (Note: if you’re in a monogamous relationship or experiencing a bit of a sex drought right now, you may just need to stop multi-tasking at work.)

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
People are strange, when you’re a stranger, faces look ugly, when you’re alone. Yeah, we know Jim Morrison died at twenty-seven, wrote god-awful poetry and had a tendency to pull out his penis on stage, but the man had a point: socializing can look strange and ugly from the outside. But some strangers have good candy, and some of them look as good in black leather as the Doors frontman. This week, approach the oddest ball in the room and befriend him/her. At the very least, you’ll get a one-night stand with a beautiful stranger.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Please don’t take this the wrong way: Shut up! That’s right, just zip it. This week, you’ll need Imodium A-D for the mouth, if you know what we mean. If you must speak, then be absolutely sure to think first. Otherwise, your good looks alone should be enough to get you through to next Monday.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
One of Lo’s biggest regrets (and embarrassments) in life is the fact that she was a cheerleader in high school. Yes, this site’s resident hardcore feminist used to prance around (and badly, we might add) in an ugly short skirt and a wool sweater like a sauna for the good ol’ boys playing football. Don’t make Lo relive those painful memories by having us metaphorically whip out the pom-poms and give you your own personal pep rally right here. Whatever it is you’ve been thinking about doing, just go for it! ‘Nuff said.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Don’t make promises to your lover that you know you’re going to have trouble keeping or you’ll find yourself in an embarrassing situation. Like having your bunny boiled in a big pot on your stove. Just try explaining that one!

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
You can’t lose if you get out and mingle with interesting people this week. We’re not saying that you won’t put your foot in your mouth three or four times (if you’re not sure she’s pregnant, don’t ask when the baby is due), and we’re not saying that you’ll go home with a pocketful of phone numbers (one if you’re lucky, and we’re not saying that the DJ will play all the songs you request–especially if you keep requesting “It’s Raining Men” at the hippest club in town). However, overall, on the balance, you’ll come out ahead. We think it’s worth taking the chance and stepping outside.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
You’ll want to get out and party this week. Hell, don’t we all? If you’re going to be pissy-faced to all your co-workers and too hungover to get any work done because you raged on a school night, you may as well make it worthwhile. So go some place you’ve never been before. If that’s shaking things up a bit too much for ya, at least visit your local hangout on a different night (we hear Tuesday is the new Thursday) so you’ll encounter a different group of regulars.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
For all you Scorpios out there who aren’t in a long-term relationship, but want to be: You will meet someone who will factor into the equation for quite a while if you attend organized events that interest you–jazz concerts in smoky dives, book readings at local bookstores, volunteer house-building for the less fortunate, industry conferences at Howard Johnsons, “Latin Groove” classes at fitness clubs, etc. Don’t say no to things to do this week, or you risk inadvertently saying no to people to do for weeks to come.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Prick up your ears this week. That should satisfy the p.... in your life.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
You will be full of great ideas this week. If you are on the go all the time, however, it will be difficult for those interested in you to keep up. Stop and smell the rose-scented shampoo in your lover’s pubic curls.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Isn’t it always the way: you have a few drinks, meet someone with a sparkle in their eye, exchange a few meaningful life stories, find out all these things you have in common, take off each other’s clothes and look deep into each other’s eyes before passing out, only to wake up three hours later to realize that the sparkle was the way the light hit their glasses, that the only thing you have in common is a fondness for Jim Beam, and that they apparently don’t wash very regularly. Occasionally, it works out and people end up getting married this way. But it’s rare. To be on the safe side, get to know new friends first, fondle orifices later.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Just because Jealousy keeps showing up on your doorstep, doesn’t mean you have to invite it in for dinner. You know how Jealousy gets, belching at the table and hogging all the seconds. If Jealousy gets a place-setting, you risk driving away those you love.

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